A guide to Aussie Land~~The confusing country

These are a couple of not very good shots of the cliffs along the edge of the "Great Austtralian Bight"



Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recogonisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of it's southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girthing sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and soverign lands are classified as either continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poinonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, (though those that are here are usually deadly) possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders wont go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are most dangerous. The creature that kills most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as it's name, and spends it's life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat grubs and worms. The Wombat kills people in two ways: first, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The seond way the wombat kills people relates to it's burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a wombat hole, the wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Hello! my hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace it's muscled legs and push up against the roof of it's burrow with incredible force, to prevent it's collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrasing way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects it's aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to it's hind legs, thus combining all the "typical" Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

That's enough about our strange fauna, tommorow's episode will be about our strange inhabitants, so stay tuned.......

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I have a furniture problem... my chest has fallen into my drawers.

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Wisdom doesn't neccesarily come with age, sometimes age just shows up all by it'self.